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Social Satire Site uses Wikileaks name, to set-up gag
« on: March 04, 2013, 19:55:40 PM »
Social Satire Site uses Wikileaks name, to set-up gag

Wikileaks Releases Damning Keystone Pipeline Emails
Posted by Bobby Bou ⋅ January 31, 2012

TransCanada officials say that the construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline might present "slight and unnoticeable changes" for some Americans along the pipeline.

This morning, Wikileaks  released a transcript of shocking emails sent between two high-ranking oil executives at TransCanada Corporation, the Canadian oil company slated to build the proposed Keystone XL pipeline through the heartland of America. The correspondence took place the day after the Keystone XL Pipeline project was postponed by the U.S. Department of State. The private emails were  sent between TransCanada Director Kerry Hawkins and TransCanada President Russell Girling.

Shortly after the  the pipeline bill was squashed by the Obama administration, Kerry Hawkins met with oil lobbyists and Washington politicians in an attempt to salvage the Billion dollar deal.

Girling:  What the hell happened down there?

Kerry: Seems that a few  of the freshman congressmen I talked to weren’t too keen on a ‘foreign country’ running a pipeline through the heartland of America.

Girling: I see. I’m not happy about the ‘foreign country’ remarks. We’ve spent decades lulling Americans into thinking that Canada is just their friendly neighbor up North. If they start thinking of Canada as a country with its own agenda, we may have a big problem. What else did you find out?

Kerry: I tried to keep everybody focused on the physical pipeline and jobs they might get but a few people  were asking questions about where the oil was going once it came through the pipeline.

Girling: Where the hell do they think it’s going? It’s going to China for Christs sake. Do they think it was going to the Shell station around the corner?

Kerry:  The poll we did last week shows that 80 of Americans think that the oil is coming right into the US for their own consumption. Well when we told them it was getting piped to the Gulf, they assumed it was the Gulf station on Main street. We have about 30 senators and congressmen that seem to have a problem with us laying a 1700 mile skid-mark through the center of America that won’t benefit the US one bit.

Girling: Goddamn tree-huggers. Should we up the jobs creation projection? Maybe we need to put more bait on the hook. I thought 20,00 would be enough. Should we make it 80,000?

Kerry:  I think we should have gone bigger from the beginning. They have 1.3 million people out of work and 20,000 jobs is a less than a drop in the empty bucket. I think we should promise 1.3 million jobs. Lets tell them that the pipeline will provide a job for every person that isn’t working. What’s the difference? They aren’t getting the jobs anyhow. We’ll give them 3000 jobs at most and 400 of those will go to union business agents and relatives of our supporters. The 20,00 jobs promised is nothing more than symbolic. A symbol that republicans can use to hit Obama on the head with.

Girling: LOL. Did you “talk” to those hippies at the EPA?

Kerry: Yeh…It didn’t take much. Most of them are upside down on their mortgages and it wasn’t a lengthy discussion. Most of them are on board after we assisted them in their time of need. That grmmmph! Peterson, unfortunately slipped on some ice and fell down a flight of stairs yesterday. Needless to say, he’s on board now.

Girling: Slipped on ice? He lives in Tampa for Christ sake! Where the hell did you get the ice from?

Kerry: My driveway. The evidence melted quickly.

Girling: How are we coming with those pipe sections?

Kerry: We promised to buy 60,00 sections from US companies. Once we get the green light, we’ll postpone the order. We’ll haul in the Chinese pipe sections and all the stanchions from Mexico. We’ll save about 3 Billion dollars.

Girling: We’re still going to use the US sections in Canada right?

Kerry: Absolutely. We don’t want a drop of oil leaking on Canadian soil. We use the grmmmph!ty * pipe in the states. Any leaks will be their problem. If they’re going to get 20,00 jobs out of this project–it will be clean-up crews!

Girling: LOL. How did the dinner with the people from Fox go last night?

Kerry: Great. They agreed to put the blame for the bill’s failure square on Obama. They are going to go with the “jobs lost’ angle and keep the project stalled until the election. John said we should sent the moving trucks to the White House this week. LOL. Gingrich said he’d help load up the trucks.

Girling: Did you make him aware of our “contribution” to his campaign?

Kerry: He said he didn’t give a grmmmph! about the pipeline because it doesn’t go through his backyard. He did make a weird comment though. He asked me what was stopping the US from just going up and taking the oil fields for themselves? And then he laughed, but it was a creepy laugh. That guy scares me. Are you sure that we’re betting on the right horse?

Girling:, We’ve placed bets on every horse in the race. By this time next year we’ll be shoving this pipeline up America’s ass and we’ll be rolling in money. Did you check out that villa in Saint John?

Kerry: Yeh. We put a down-payment on it. Can’t wait to get the hell out of this goddamn snow.